This Crap is for the Birds!
by Daimyo Craft
Summary: I'd like to welcome you to This Crap is for the Birds, a different type of Mystery Dungeon story. A story of friendship bordering on full blown backstabbing, imposibilities, game mechanics, and finally... Sorry, no more room in the summary box!
1. Chapter 1

A/N WARNING! A CRACK FIC APPROACHES!

Welcome to This Crap is for the Birds. Since even the insane needs standards (not really, but we're giving them some), here is a list of rules the fic and its characters will follow at all times (under penalty of an anvil falling on their head).

1) The first rule of TCiftB. Do not talk about TCiftB.

2) Physics are merely a suggestion.

3) Everything is logical until proven otherwise. And, if funny, even after.

4) If you can't break the fourth wall creatively, don't break it at all.

5) All flames will be striped for useful parts that could be used in improving the fic, and then given to Customer Service. Customer Service is the name of my Houndoom.

6) Sanity is not recommended. Unless your name is Albert. In which case, we'll torture you.

And without further ado, I present…

THIS CRAP IS FOR THE BIRDS

CHAPTER 1

A supporting character fall from the sky

"Oh… I can't do it." The quadrupedal (four legged) grass type known to some people as a Chikorita said, pacing the ground in front of Wigglytuff's guild. It was a large tent that featured its namesakes face on top of it. "I can't enter. I'm such a- falling bird!"

At that moment, a small bird plummeted to the ground. Its body was covered in grey feathers, but its head was unseen, currently stuck in the ground. The Chikorita approached it curiously.

"Hello, Mr. Birdy? You okaaaay?" She asked. The bird was currently trying to use its wings to eject itself from the dirt. After several seconds, it came to the conclusion that its current task was a futile endeavor and groaned loudly. Or, attempted to, because there was a quick noise that sounded like the beginning of a groan, and then the sound of choking. Presumably on dirt.

"I can help you, Mr. Birdy! And then you'll join my rescue team, and we'll save the world!" The Chikorita loudly proclaimed, before she began using her forefeet to tug on the small bird. After ten seconds of pulling, a feathery face emerged from the dirt. The head had a large white mane, a single long red feather, and its actual face was grey.

"Holy crap… What did I do last night?" He (by the sound of its voice) asked. "Wait, it's coming back to me… Oh god, repress the memory, Aether, repress the memory!"

"Uh, are you a human who lost all his memories on entering this world, and now you'll join my rescue team and we'll go on a super amazing adventure?" The Chikorita asked. The bird looked at her.

"Dang, I'm in PMD. To answer your question, no. I was never a human. I'm here because I'm no longer able to set neither talon nor wing in my previous world." The bird, Aether, answered.

"Why not?" The Chikorita asked, not without a hint of curiosity.

"I can't say all the details. But, it involves an LC party at Smogon University, several thousand Jumpluffs, a skit based on "Big Bang Theory", a drunken Magcargo, the cast of "How I met your Mother", a bloodthirsty Empoleon nicknamed Pengywen, and a disco ball." Aether responded.

"Uh, are you on crack?"

"No, but I'm fairly certain Mewtwo was."

"MEWTWO?" The Chikorita yelled.

"It was a wild party. All little cup parties are," Aether said wisely, "Mainly because the list of people who care about us is so short, we generally aren't supervised."

"…I honestly don't know how to respond. HEY, wanna form a rescue team with me? You seem like a funny Rufflet." The Chikorita requested, her eyes literally sparkling.

Aether paused a moment, trying to remember the plot of the Explorer games. After a few seconds, "Go down to the beach and something good will happen."

"Okay!" The gullible Chikorita said, trotting off down the staircase.

"Team Skull, come on out!" Apollo yelled once the Chikorita was out of earshot.

"How did you know we were here?" A floating naval mine with a face asked, coming out of the bushes. He was followed by a bat like creature, appropriately known as a Zubat.

"Not important. Anyway, that girl has a most likely valuable artifact on her personage…" He paused, "Pokmonage? Er, I'm sure it doesn't make a difference. Go rob her." He ordered.

"You don't boss us around!" The Zubat yelled.

"Who does?" Aether asked.

"Skuntank!" The two members of Team Skull answered.

"And where is he?" Aether asked.

"…We don't know!" The two yelled, crying.

"He vanished into thin air five minutes ago!" The Koffing elaborated.

"We just want our boss back!" The Zubat cried.

"The Plot gets what the Plot wants, huh?" Aether said, sympathetically.

"You know whose fault this is? TELL US SO WE CAN KILL THEM!" The Koffing demanded.

"Just go rob the grass type. Your boss will reappear when the plot demands it." Aether answered.

"Whoever this Plot person is, they're goin' down when they bring us back our Skuntank!" Zubat vowed, as the pair left.

"Good, now that the plot is on track, I don't have to deal with any of them. They're not my problem, and I don't have to appear anymore since I no longer have importance to the plot." Aether paused, "Dang it! I just gave up my chance to be a main character! I could have saved the world… Or, at the very least, be the token evil character. Or part of the quirky mini boss squad. Those are always fun. Naw, Team Skull isn't cool. Team Rocket would be fun, though. But they're not in this dimension."

"Might as well go hang with Wigglytuff. He's fun. Unlike everyone else in this dimension." Aether said, entering in the guild. Luckily for him, since the bars blocking the door weren't described till now, he had absolutely no problem entering, due to the fact that the bars weren't present until now. Yes, that is how writing works. Ever heard of my friend Chekhov?

Scene Break

"The newest member of our dimension is fitting in well." Arceus, a large, white, horse like Pokemon, mused. He was currently floating in his cloud domain, which had a perfectly clear puddle in the center. One which currently showed a Rufflet speaking to a Wigglytuff.

"I'm just curious, why did he do to get him kicked out of his last dimension?" Palkia, who's appearence can only be described as a fusion of a lizard, a hunchback person, wanted to know. He had heard rumors, but nothing cement.

"I heard that Giratina was involved." Dialga, who resembled a blue deer clad in iron, chimed in.

"Really? I thought it was Genesect." Palkia said. "And, since I'm sure the readers want to know, why are you here and not assisting the plot of the main game?" A large anvil hit Palkia on the head, knocking him to the cloud floor.

"The me in Temporal Tower is nothing but a copy to hold down the fort. I'm equally sure nothing bad is happening there right now." Dialga revealed, "Even if something was, our inspiration was the Greek gods. This pretty much gives us free reign to be despicable."

"TO ANSWER YOUR PREVIOUS QUESTION," Arceus, who disliked being ignored, yelled, "Both were. I'm also fairly certain Mewtwo was there as well, but when the Arceus in the main game's dimension asked him, he said and I quote 'If you guys mention it again, I'll go Mewtwo Strikes Back all over the cannon.'"

"So, what do we do now?" Palkia asked.

…

"Wanna take a page from our inspiration and start messing with the lives of mortals?" Arceus suggested.

"I'll get Giratina!" Palkia volunteered.

"I'll get Shaymin- I mean, the pizza!" Dialga yelled. The duo vanished while Arceus created a white board out of thin air.

"Who could we send after Apollo? I'm pretty sure there's a Steelix somewhere with his name on it…" Arceus plotted, spawning a marker and writing on the board.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Politics

Chatot was greeted by a sight he was not the least bit surprised with. A random pokemon was talking to Guildmaster Wigglytuff. This happened, more or less, twice a week. The disconcerting part of this was the piece of paper with Wigglytuff's signature on it. The last time this had happened, they had lost the guild. The time before that? Well… They're no longer allowed in the eastern hemisphere.

"Oh, Arceus! Wigglytuff, what have you signed this time?" Chatot yelled, rushing to read the paper.

"Ah, Chatot. Good to see you arrive to meet the new partner." Wigglytuff said, grinning. Chatot looked up slowly.

"Partner?" Chatot repeated in disbelief.

"Yes, this is Aether. Very intelligent 'mon, went to school at some place called… 'Ace Attorney'?" Wigglytuff tried to remember.

"Yes, my credentials are impeccable." Aether, using his right wing like a hand, reached beneath his other wing and took out a piece of paper. From nowhere. "Here is my resume." He stated, handing the document to Chatot.

"While this looks nice, I'm fairly certain…" The other bird in the room paused, staring at the resume. "It says here you _played_ Ace Attorney, not that you went there."

"Well, it is just game." Aether tsked, like his new employer's assistant was an idiot.

"A game? How does that make you…" Chatot paused in the same position as before. "It says here you worked as an underwater wielder."

"What about that doesn't make sense?" The grey bird asked.

"In short? Everything. In long? EVERYTHING!" Chatot yelled. Aether grinned.

"Wanna' bet?" Aether challenged. The two walked outside.

Scene Change

"My dear Alexandria. It's not that I have anything against but… Why did you bring your daughter to work today?" The hulking figure, held up by two masses of cement, asked his feminine and green companion.

"I was informed it was take you daughter to work day." The Gardevoir, Alexandria, responded. Standing at about waist height next to her was what seemed to be a ballet dancer of similar color.

"…You're the only person here with a daughter. Why would we hold one?" The Conkeldurr questioned. "Wait, maybe we did. I really wish Fighting types didn't have to take an intelligence reduction. Makes being an evil mastermind so much harder, since you don't have the mastermind part."

"I'm gonna blame Basant." Alexandria stated.

"Wait, why me?" A large combination of an old fashion vase in its prime with four wings, and three eyes, asked from his place at the ceiling of the ruins. Thanks to the wide open, and empty, grey stoned room, there was plenty of room for the Sigilyph to fly.

"I don't know. Everything usually is. What about the time when that Houndoom almost bit your wing off?" The other Psychic type remembered.

"How was I supposed to know he could jump that high?" Basant yelled back.

"Henchman and woman, we're getting off topic here. We are gathered here today for a… Wedding?" The Conkeldurr asked. All present in the room face palmed (The Sigilyph, with four wings, managed to do a quadruple wingpalm). "Don't do that! You guys no I'm dumb."

"Wait," The Kirlia next to Alexandria interjected, "Did you just make a mistake with homophones while _talking_? And what does intelligence have to do with memory?"

"…First, I believe the term is called 'Achievements in Ignorance'. Second, I really wish someone told me about that earlier. Which ties back into my first point." The Conkeldurr answered.

"Cronus, just give us something to do. I want my daughter to see what we're doing so she doesn't wind up with this moronic job." The Gardevoir requested.

Cronus the Conkeldurr nodded, "As I understand it, we're supposed to be plotting evil. Well, any ideas?"

"I have one." The Kirlia said, grinning.

"Really, what is it…" Cronus began, before realizing he didn't have her name.

"Just call me… Starscream." The young pokemon answered.

"Well, I'm sure this foreshadows nothing at all." Basant said from the ceiling.

Scene change

"I was right. That made no sense at all." Chatot said, as he and Aether walked back into Wigglytuff's office.

"But you can't deny I'm an underwater wielder now, can you?" The grey bird mocked.

"No. No I cannot." Chatot stated.

"Well, if that's all finished, I have a job to do!" Aether said proudly.

"Wait, you don't." Chatot stopped him.

"Why? You don't have the authority to fire me yet, you still have three years until you make partner."

"That's just the thing. You see, Aether, this isn't a law firm." Chatot stated.

"Yeah, it is." Aether responded, without a hint of doubt.

"No, it isn't."

"Yeah, it is."

"No, it isn't!"

"I have proof."

"What proof?"

"Quite simple. If this isn't a law firm, how can I be a partner?" Aether asked.

"You're not a partner!"

"I have paperwork that says otherwise."

"You can't be a partner because there is no firm!"

"Perhaps you're not hearing me. I have paperwork that says I'm a partner at Wigglytuff and Guild mates. That piece of evidence proves the existence said law firm, and that I'm a partner. I win!" Aether laughed.

"That's insane troll logic. The organization in the contract doesn't exist!" Chatot yelled.

"Then how did I get it notarized by a lawyer?" Aether responded, handing Chatot a (copy) contract.

"…It was notarized by you! You don't have a degree!" Chatot answered in frustration.

"I have paperwork that makes me a lawyer, as signed by the leading partner, Wigglytuff!" Aether answered, while Wigglytuff waved from his position in the background. Chatot paused.

"Let me make sure I have this straight. You work at a supposed law firm here because you have a contract. This contract makes you a lawyer and partner. Because you are a partner, the law firm exists. And this contract is legit because it was notarized by a lawyer, namely you. You were able to notarize it because the contract makes you a lawyer. HOW THE **** DOES THAT WORK?"

"Quite simple," Aether said, "All the events happen simultaneously, validating each other while bringing themselves in existence. That's how it works, so I win."

"…I give up."

THE END

Sorry if this is slightly crappy, but I am trying to update weekly and this was my last opportunity. But it wasn't entirely filler. We met the villians, and established the Aether is now employed (and, for those with little knowledge of law firm's workings, a co-leader) of the guild. What will happen next chapter? I haven't planned that far ahead. So, tune in next week for another installment of the epic adventure… THIS CRAP IS FOR THE BIRDS!


	3. Chapter 3

"So, Wigglytuff, what's my first case going to be?" Aether asked, after Chatot had left the room out of frustration.

"Yeah… About that..." Wigglytuff said timidly.

"What?"

"It was fun annoying Chatot, but this really isn't a law firm." Wigglytuff revealed.

"Oh, I knew." Aether said.

"I- Wait, you knew?" Wigglytuff repeated.

"Yep. That's why I added clause ^ to Section B Paragraph A," Aether said, grinning, " 'In the event that the organization known as Wigglytuff's Guild is not a law firm, I become a co-leader of it regardless.' "

"Er." Wigglytuff shrugged, and not knowing what else to do, "Friendly Friend!"

"Oh, and I knew that logic I used on Chatot didn't make any sense. One of my trainers taught me that the best method to get your way was to use scatological statements until my opponent gave up. 2.7 times more effective than clawing out your opponent's eyes, and much less repercussions."

"There was a ruins sites found a few days ago," Wigglytuff remembered, "Why don't you go explore it?"

"And it's that kind of pathetically disguised plot driven event that I can use to alleviate boredom. See ya' Wigglytuff!" Aether yelled, leaving.

Once he left, Chatot peaked out from behind the door.

"Is he gone?" Chatot asked, very seriously.

"Nope." Aether said. Chatot let out a shrill scream and instinctively flew into the air, ready for attack in a kung fu stance. Only, Aether wasn't in sight and Wigglytuff was cracking up.

"Dang you and your spot on impressions, Guildmaster." Chatot said respectfully, landing.

Scene Change

"Well, guys, what do you think of the current plan?" Arceus asked his three companions. Joining him were Dialga, ruler of time, Palkia, ruler of space, and Giratina, a six legged dragon creature who rules over a parallel universe. With no inhabitants, or, life forms in general.

"I could go for another pizza." Giratina stated. Needless to say, food wasn't too common where he came from.

"Well," Dialga butted in, "The plan is fine. The resources necessary, however, seem to be far too large."

"Explain." Arceus demanded.

"For starters, it needs a Gundam. Where are we going to get a Gundam?" Dialga asked.

"I can just make one. God powers, remember?" Arceus stated, as if Dialga was a moron.

"Won't a being higher then you get angry at you for taking something trademarked without permission into a setting where it doesn't fit at all?" Dialga questioned.

"Morimoto?" Arceus asked for confirmation, "Then I'll give Metagross a new evolution. That's what we did when we needed a villain, and Dusclops wasn't threatening enough. We also did that when we needed a scary Gligar, and when we needed a water dragon."

"Metagross is a pseudo legendary, so until the power creep gets really bad and fourth evolutions are introduced, we can't do him." Palkia chimed in.

"Fine," Arceus conceded, "We'll go to plan B. Any comments on that plan?"

Palkia and Dialga glanced at each other.

"Should you tell him that Druddigons can't fly, or should I?" Dialga whispered.

"He'll probably just give them wings, despite the fact that they're cave dwellers." Palkia responded.

"I never did get that 48th pizza." Giratina stated, and was consequentially ignored.

A/N

And so, another chapter that shows I am doing this with no planning whatsoever. Although, that isn't true, I do have plenty ideas floating around in my head that I do intend to use for this story.

I understand this seems dumb/stupid, but that was my intention from the start. A lot of my offline projects are serious, dark pieces, so this story is more of a way to make sure I don't lose the ever so little comedic abilities I have.


End file.
